U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Congratulations! We have a period
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