No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
