Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
