I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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