Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
they're like a gay fantastic four
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
