And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
