Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
