Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
