hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
