Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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