The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
