I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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