God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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