You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
