..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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