you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
