All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
