you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
