we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
