Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
