Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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