youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
