You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
