Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I deserve this hangover.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
