The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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