Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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