I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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