well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
two words...techno handjob
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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