You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
