The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
