I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
