somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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