...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize