I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
