I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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