You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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