90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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