Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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