worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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