Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
