every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
