I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Randomize
