Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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