She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
