I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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