Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Text me some of your sweat
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
