Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
