I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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