I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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