Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is wine microwaveable?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
