Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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