Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
