I accidentally burped into my bong.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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