My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
