someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
