my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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