i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
