No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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