the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
